Soundman Rescued

DECEMBER 19, 2001
SAN FRANCISCO, CA

Responding to a distress call sent from a mobile PDA, Special Forces where sent on a search and rescue mission late last night in the remote region of Grace Cathedral known as "The Sound Booth".

The rescuers found a member of the "soundman" tribe holed up in the region during a performance of Handel's "Messiah"… Rescuers indicate that the performance was of the entire piece, played on period instruments, and was into its third hour by the time they reached the soundman.

Scattered about the area, rescuers found an empty water bottle and two crumpled wrappers of what appeared to be Apricot flavored "Cliff Bars"…

A soundman spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity, voiced shock and surprise at the discovery of the wrappers… "All I can think of is that, due to the similar color of the wrappers, he thought he had Peanut Butter flavored Cliff Bars… A tragic mistake…"

The spokesman continued…"He's a pro, he has knowledge of this type of music, and has even performed it himself in the past… It must have just been too much… A five-hour rehearsal and a three-plus hour performance… It was just too much…"

When rescuers reached the soundman, he was dazed and suffering from a severe case of "numb-butt"… Disoriented, he seemed unsure of which century he lived in, and mumbled repeatedly, "Pretty green lights… gotta monitor the feed… do we have enough tape?… pretty green lights…"

The soundman is expected to make a full recovery from the numb-butt. It is unclear how long it will take for the psychological scars to fully recede… Neighbors reported hearing him singing the "Hallelujah Chorus" in the shower this morning… Dogs and cats in the neighborhood were seen running for cover.

Nonetheless, it is reported that the soundman will be heading out in just a few short hours for more soundbooths in the region…

Reported by TDS, staff writer for "Properly Chastised"…