Making the Soundman Cranky

We understand that it may be difficult to know exactly how to act when attending a zany, fun-filled production like Beach Blanket Babylon. In an effort to make your experience all it can be, while insuring that you do not go over the line and make a complete ass of yourself, we offer the following guidelines:

The announcement at the start of the show that cameras, sketch pads, tape recorders, and cell phones are prohibited does, in fact, apply to you. The cell phone thing is a pet peeve for our soundman. He practices by standing at the end of the active runway at SFO while jets take off and listening for cell phones on board as they roar overhead… He's gotten pretty good at it and if your cell phone goes off during the show, you cannot hide; he will find you.

We understand that there are times when you will find yourself with a two-foot, neon-tinted, plastic penis that lights up in a festive display of flashing color. Sometimes these things just can't be helped… If you do find yourself in such a circumstance, please refrain from displaying it during the show as it makes the performers restless… (and the soundman cranky)

We want you to have a great time at Beach Blanket Babylon, and we love it when you express your delight… However, there are some actions which constitute "going over the line", such as getting to your feet during one of the ballads, screaming something incomprehensible at the top of your lungs and then collapsing in a drunken stupor onto the table of strangers next to you…. This not only makes the soundman cranky, it tends to make the table of strangers that you have just collapsed into cranky as well… Try to avoid such behavior…

A note on alcohol consumption; An easy way to tell if you've probably had enough is if, at the very start of the show, you see two Mr. Peanuts come out on stage. One Mr. Peanut and you're fine to order another beer; two Mr. Peanuts and you should consider a trip to the bathroom and a glass of water… (Please don't ask the soundman where the bathroom is, it makes him cranky.)

Please try to intersperse your blood curdling yelps at appropriate intervals, and to instances where something happens on stage to warrant a blood curdling yelp…. Hearing "Ya' know, Snow…" followed by a blood curdling yelp (only seconds after the last blood curdling yelp) may be distracting, and can be deemed as inappropriate behavior. Please try to avoid this. Yes, you guessed it! This makes the soundman very, very cranky.

And while we're on the subject of making the soundman cranky… (yes, we know, who does this guy think he is?) Well, he insists on being able to hear the show and refuses to put on headphones, listen to the latest Aerosmith CD, and chill for awhile… All this mumbo-jumbo about "mixing" the show… Sounds like a bunch of geeky techno-babble to us too. We've no choice but to placate him, so those of you that end up seated near the soundman are requested to observe the following special guidelines for your own safety.

• DO NOT stand just behind the soundman and then whistle or yell as if you were at a Stones concert… This will startle the soundman and is liable to result in injury.
• DO NOT try to discuss that cute guy in the mailroom at your office during "Proud Mary" at the top of your lungs… The soundman will consider this a challenge as to who can be louder – you'll lose… And make the soundman cranky. For your talking-at-the-top-of-your-lungs enjoyment, there are several bars in the immediate vicinity that welcomes your voice adding to the festive cacophony of sound. Please visit one of these fine establishments for such activity.
• DO NOT sing along… those folks on stage are trained professionals, and pretty darn talented to boot… In fact, that's why you plunked down the bucks for a ticket isn't it? Mitch Miller had a sing-along (don't worry, it was a long time ago) and there are "sing-along Messiahs" at Christmas. Beach Blanket Babylon is neither of those… However, if you insist on singing along, here's a little experiment. Get as near the soundman as you can, start singing along, and then watch him jump up like a jack-in-the-box and run from the booth… It's fun! Unfortunately, he'll come back shortly with a house manager in tow who'll tell you to shut-up and embarrass you in front of your date… (but it just may be worth it to see the soundman jump!)

One last tip; the stage is not a public dance floor. You should stay off the stage, even if you have the urge to really boogie down. Getting on the stage not only makes the soundman cranky, it makes the house manager livid, and is likely to result in a body tackle from the stage manager. Save a life! Stay off the stage.

We hope that these simple guidelines help you know how to act at a public theatrical performance. If you should have any further questions, please do not ask the soundman..

It makes him cranky.