March 2007

Fundraiser – noun – An event comprised of little cubes of cheese on sticks, cheap white wine in plastic cups, and a gathering of snobbish, well-heeled, middle-aged patrons of a particular political personality or cause. Said patrons walk about schmoozing and talking with one another whilst partaking in the little cubes of cheese and cheap white wine.  Gentle, unobtrusive “elevator” music is generally played to help smooth the proceeding along and provide atmosphere. When no elevator music is available, “light” jazz is a suitable substitute.

A Diary of Events: 

2:00 - Soundman, Stage Manager, Production Manager onstage for arrival of band.

3:00 - Soundman, Stage Manager, Production Manager onstage for arrival of band. (One member has arrived)

4:00 - Soundman, Stage Manager, Production Manager onstage for arrival of band.

5:00 - Soundman, Stage Manager, Production Manager onstage for arrival of band. (Two members have arrived, with reports of others in the neighborhood whining about parking, ninety minutes late and counting.)

5:30 - Band finally rolling in, leader continues to assert that they will only need ten minute sound check, then pauses and says, “and whatever you need”. Panic ensues.

6:00 - House Opens Soundcheck? We don’t need no stinkin’ soundcheck!

6:10 - Band takes the stage and starts playing their “mellow” set. Nobody can hear the schmoozing above the din.

6:15 - Band is threatened with dismissal if they don’t turn it down. Leader tells organizer to blame it on the soundman.

6:20 - Eight piece salsa band turns into a jazz trio. Four band members are paid to drink at the bar. Schmoozing ensues.

7:00 - Very talented and slightly uppity jazz singer takes the stage. Schmoozers had not received the memo (really, there was a memo), and instead of dropping everything to stare quietly at the jazz singer, schmoozers continue to schmooze.

7:05 - Jazz singer leaves the stage.

7:15 - “Comedian” takes the stage and for fifteen minutes sucks all the laughter out of the room.

7:30 - Seven members of the Salsa band take the stage and play “full tilt” giving the soundman, now delirious with hunger, something to do.

7:35 - Keyboard player finishes his cocktail and rejoins the band.

8:00 - Fundraising event ends.

8:05 - Soundman has a cube of cheese for dinner.