Where was Beck when Bush was plundering into Iraq against the advice of most of his generals?
|The Colbert Report||Mon – Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c|
|U.S. Army Chain of Command|
From the July 27 edition of The Live Desk. Fox News redraws the world map. Don’t let some elitist map-reading liberal tell you where Egypt is (and Iraq isn’t). Fox news, fair and balanced – and completely wrong. (Thanks to Media Matters)
Support David Letterman’s right to make bad jokes!
Thread? What thread?
When Sarah Palin used the media last week to express her “outrage” at jokes David Letterman made about her recent visit to New York, including what may have indeed been slightly tasteless references to her daughters, I became curious about this “thread permeating society” that “makes it okay” to make fun of “statutory rape” of underage girls, thinking it is “funny”.
Now, I looked high and low for this thread to which she refers, and I’ll be damned (some think I already am) if all I could find was another thread that thinks it’s okay to make broad, unsubstantiated claims to cynically manipulate the media in an effort to stir up support from people barely able to think for themselves. To wit: “good ol'” Sarah Palin, stirin’ up her base.
Following are some comments made by people that came out for a “Fire Dave” rally in New York. Reports are that more press showed up than protesters. Nonetheless, these stalwarts were vocal in their thoughts. I quote some highlights with my reaction:
Everyone in the country is very, very frustrated and upset that he was allowed to make a rape joke about a little girl, fourteen years old, sitting on the sidelines watching of all things an American basketball game”
– Okay, I’m not a sports fan, so let me see if I have this right: basketball is where they use a wooden stick to hit a ball thrown at them at about a hundred miles an hour. If they hit the ball, they get to run around in a big circle, ending up right where they began. And what’s baseball again? By the way, did you actually hear this “rape joke” that Letterman told, or did you just hear about it from Sarah Palin?
Ma’am, I’ve got one word of advice: research.
He made A-rod a pervert too…”
– Everybody knows that A-rod is just a horn-dog.
I think he stinks, I’m a Jay Leno fan”
– Fair enough, sorry Jay.
At least Jay Leno has interesting people, this Schmuck has nobody… Do you know what schmuck means in Jewish?”
– Do tell. (And you’re right, Leno did get president Obama on his show. That’s who you meant isn’t it?
I only watch Fox news channel”
– Now that’s just plain stupid
…I believe his son was born out of wedlock, I believe there’s a term for that”<'blockquote>
– Does that go for Sarah Palin’s grandson as well?
…especially, you know, when he had a daughter out of wedlock as well”
– What? Who? Lady, do you even read?
…when he has a bastard son and a slut for a wife”
– Now I’m really confused, are we talking about Letterman or making jokes about Palin’s almost son-in-law?
You think you’re so smart, you think you know soooo much”
– Well, I didn’t until I saw you.
Close the borders. Close everything down for the next twenty years. Clean your house and you’ll see how this economy will come back.”
– Excuse me ma’am, the right wing-nut rally you’re looking for is a few blocks over.
Keep children safe from David Letterman’s mouth! He will rape them with his mouth! He is a child abuser, he is a verbal pedophile! Wake up! Go home and take care of your kids! They could be next.”
– Lady, you’re just freakin’ scary. You have kids? Talk about abuse.
The Sarah Palin Pledge:
I, Chastise Man, do hereby swear that if Sarah Palin ever sets foot in the White House in any official capacity other than governor of Alaska, if she should ever be any closer in line to the presidency than what an entire disappearance of the president, vice-president, cabinet, and both houses of Congress would require to manifest, then I will leave the country immediately and move to France.
I saw the headline and called Santa to find out what was up…
tds: Hi Santa, it’s Tom. Say, I just saw the headline about you asking for a government bailout. What gives Santa? How can that be?
Santa: Well,Tom, hello to you too! What – only organizations below the 60th parallel can run into financial trouble and ask for help? After all I’ve done? Where do you think all those goodies have come from this past millennium-and-a-half? It takes labor and materials my friend. Sheesh… I suppose you have a list you want me to go over with you?
tds: Gee Santa, I’m sorry. That was pretty thoughtless of me. I’m sorry to hear you’ve fallen on hard times. What a jerk I am. I’m unworthy!
Santa: Whoa there big fella. First, I’m impressed how you can make it all about you so darn fast. Second, I’m only joking son! You think we do business up here in the least bit like you “middle folks” do?
tds: “Middle folks”?
Santa: Look on a map.
Santa: Anyway, I haven’t lasted this long by doing business like you do.
tds: Like I do? I’m not the CEO of GM!
Santa: No, you certainly are not. By the way, how’s the credit card debt coming?
tds: Okay, okay. Better.
Santa: Better. That’s right. You are doing better. Man, twenty years ago you were a mess!!
tds: Well, yes, I suppose…
Santa: Uh, huh. But that was twenty years ago, so give yourself some credit…
tds: You’re right Santa!
Santa: …but not too much. You have enormous advantages simply handed to you. Even for others in your same tribe. It isn’t a birthright. You are tremendously lucky.
tds: Yes. Yes, Santa I am.
Santa: You take it too much for granted.
tds: You’re right, Santa, I…
Santa: Leave it there Tom. It isn’t just you. Too many of you simply look for reasons to be unhappy, or be mad at each other, or never know when enough is enough. It’s always baffled me a bit. But you also surprise me too. I hope you can change, like you’ve all been talking about all year long. You’ve set yourselves up. Now you need to follow through. I hope you can, all in all, keep doing better. If you don’t, I’ll really need that bailout – but no government will be able to help me. It’ll all be over.
tds: Don’t scare me Santa.
Santa: Well, that’s up to you. Now, is there something on your list you wanted to ask me about?
tds: Well… When it gets down to it. Could you help me keep trying to do better?
Santa: As long as you keep asking, Tom, yes I can.
tds: Thanks Santa. By the way, is Rudolf okay? I’m worried. I recently saw a picture with Sarah Palin, a high-powered rifle, and…
Santa: Photoshop Tom. But I still don’t like to talk about it.
tds: Understood. Merry Christmas Santa.
Santa: Merry Christmas Tom.
While many here in Un-America begin to grapple with the several thousand or so propositions and initiatives on the ballet (or so it seems), the final slug-fest goes into its final hours between the Marxist, socialist, Muslim, Arab, wealth-spreading, terrorist pal – I’m sure I’m forgetting something, my apologies, I don’t think straight when I’m frightened. Wait, could that be the strategy of – the Real American, maverick war hero.
Its final hours!!
In the meantime, Chastise Man offers the following tidbits from both Real America and Un-America:
Palin the Victim. The Media Elite from Un-America tramples all over Sarah Palin’s first amendment rights:
(Freedom of the press only applies to Fox News…)
Note to Un-America: It ain’t over ‘till its over…
Joe the Plumber goes AWOL!! (Do you suppose some McCain handler gets his head handed to him after the rally?) Let’s give Joe some slack. He’s probably busy studying for his plumbers license and paying his taxes.
And finally. McCain just couldn’t remember George Schultz’s name when rapping off his endorsements on Meet the Press last week. Chastise Man thinks he knows why. Schultz lives in Un-America. Chastise Man has seen George dressed up in a Superman costume and take the stage of a cabaret show in San Francisco. Heck, Chastise Man has been to George’s house (a high-rise penthouse in North Beach) in connection with said cabaret show, along with a cadre of theater-folk Un-Americans. Not only does Schultz live in Un-America, he associates with Un-Americans!! No wonder McCain couldn’t remember his name.
Today we’ll have some educational material to help us understand our two countries:
First, a look at geography:
Next a look at our federal government. What does a vice president do? (Sarah, here’s a hint: breaks the tie, breaks the tie, breaks the tie…)
Misinforming 3rd graders everywhere…
Finally, a friend sends this very informative equivalency chart to help us better understand the key players in The Real America as well as here in Un-America:
Reports recently show “startling evidence” that Republican presidential candidate John McCain is the Antichrist, according to “biblical scholars”.
The analysis was conducted by the True Bible Society and will be published next month in the End Times Journal. McCain may be trying to throw us off his trail, it is said, by subtly implying that Barrack Obama is the Antichrist by calling him “The One”.
My gut reaction to all this is:
“Oh, Dear Christ! Haven’t we been through enough already? You mean to tell me that both candidates for president after George Bush might be the Antichrist?!!?”
Perhaps they’ve got a co-Antichrist thing going on. But I doubt it. Because we all know who the Antichrist is, don’t we?
Besides, even if the position weren’t already filled, do we really think that John McCain is the best they could muster down there in hell to represent evil incarnate?
For evidence I offer this John McCain montage:
On the other hand, a bumbling idiot can really do a lot of damage…. Hmmm….
Hmmm…. Seems like the typical crew I see when I walk down Polk St.
At least they’re voting (except for the one who doesn’t want to get blamed for anything).
-Have a Nice Day!