Where was Beck when Bush was plundering into Iraq against the advice of most of his generals?
| The Colbert Report | Mon – Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c | |||
| U.S. Army Chain of Command | ||||
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Filed under Chastise Man, Humorous, News, People, Politics, Sarah Palin, Things That Make Me Cranky by
From the July 27 edition of The Live Desk. Fox News redraws the world map. Don’t let some elitist map-reading liberal tell you where Egypt is (and Iraq isn’t). Fox news, fair and balanced – and completely wrong. (Thanks to Media Matters)

Iraq mysteriously disappears. Does that mean we won?
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Support David Letterman’s right to make bad jokes!
Thread? What thread?
When Sarah Palin used the media last week to express her “outrage” at jokes David Letterman made about her recent visit to New York, including what may have indeed been slightly tasteless references to her daughters, I became curious about this “thread permeating society” that “makes it okay” to make fun of “statutory rape” of underage girls, thinking it is “funny”.
Now, I looked high and low for this thread to which she refers, and I’ll be damned (some think I already am) if all I could find was another thread that thinks it’s okay to make broad, unsubstantiated claims to cynically manipulate the media in an effort to stir up support from people barely able to think for themselves. To wit: “good ol’” Sarah Palin, stirin’ up her base.
Following are some comments made by people that came out for a “Fire Dave” rally in New York. Reports are that more press showed up than protesters. Nonetheless, these stalwarts were vocal in their thoughts. I quote some highlights with my reaction:
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Everyone in the country is very, very frustrated and upset that he was allowed to make a rape joke about a little girl, fourteen years old, sitting on the sidelines watching of all things an American basketball game”
- Okay, I’m not a sports fan, so let me see if I have this right: basketball is where they use a wooden stick to hit a ball thrown at them at about a hundred miles an hour. If they hit the ball, they get to run around in a big circle, ending up right where they began. And what’s baseball again? By the way, did you actually hear this “rape joke” that Letterman told, or did you just hear about it from Sarah Palin?
Ma’am, I’ve got one word of advice: research.
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He made A-rod a pervert too…”
- Everybody knows that A-rod is just a horn-dog.
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I think he stinks, I’m a Jay Leno fan”
- Fair enough, sorry Jay.
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At least Jay Leno has interesting people, this Schmuck has nobody… Do you know what schmuck means in Jewish?”
- Do tell. (And you’re right, Leno did get president Obama on his show. That’s who you meant isn’t it?
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I only watch Fox news channel”
- Now that’s just plain stupid
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…I believe his son was born out of wedlock, I believe there’s a term for that”<'blockquote>
- Does that go for Sarah Palin’s grandson as well?
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…especially, you know, when he had a daughter out of wedlock as well”
- What? Who? Lady, do you even read?
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…when he has a bastard son and a slut for a wife”
- Now I’m really confused, are we talking about Letterman or making jokes about Palin’s almost son-in-law?
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You think you’re so smart, you think you know soooo much”
- Well, I didn’t until I saw you.
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Close the borders. Close everything down for the next twenty years. Clean your house and you’ll see how this economy will come back.”
- Excuse me ma’am, the right wing-nut rally you’re looking for is a few blocks over.
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Keep children safe from David Letterman’s mouth! He will rape them with his mouth! He is a child abuser, he is a verbal pedophile! Wake up! Go home and take care of your kids! They could be next.”
- Lady, you’re just freakin’ scary. You have kids? Talk about abuse.
The Sarah Palin Pledge:
I, Chastise Man, do hereby swear that if Sarah Palin ever sets foot in the White House in any official capacity other than governor of Alaska, if she should ever be any closer in line to the presidency than what an entire disappearance of the president, vice-president, cabinet, and both houses of Congress would require to manifest, then I will leave the country immediately and move to France.
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Santa Claus Requests Government Bailout Worth Billions!!
I saw the headline and called Santa to find out what was up…
tds: Hi Santa, it’s Tom. Say, I just saw the headline about you asking for a government bailout. What gives Santa? How can that be?
Santa: Well,Tom, hello to you too! What – only organizations below the 60th parallel can run into financial trouble and ask for help? After all I’ve done? Where do you think all those goodies have come from this past millennium-and-a-half? It takes labor and materials my friend. Sheesh… I suppose you have a list you want me to go over with you?
tds: Gee Santa, I’m sorry. That was pretty thoughtless of me. I’m sorry to hear you’ve fallen on hard times. What a jerk I am. I’m unworthy!
Santa: Whoa there big fella. First, I’m impressed how you can make it all about you so darn fast. Second, I’m only joking son! You think we do business up here in the least bit like you “middle folks” do?
tds: “Middle folks”?
Santa: Look on a map.
tds: oh
Santa: Anyway, I haven’t lasted this long by doing business like you do.
tds: Like I do? I’m not the CEO of GM!
Santa: No, you certainly are not. By the way, how’s the credit card debt coming?
tds: Okay, okay. Better.
Santa: Better. That’s right. You are doing better. Man, twenty years ago you were a mess!!
tds: Well, yes, I suppose…
Santa: Uh, huh. But that was twenty years ago, so give yourself some credit…
tds: You’re right Santa!
Santa: …but not too much. You have enormous advantages simply handed to you. Even for others in your same tribe. It isn’t a birthright. You are tremendously lucky.
tds: Yes. Yes, Santa I am.
Santa: You take it too much for granted.
tds: You’re right, Santa, I…
Santa: Leave it there Tom. It isn’t just you. Too many of you simply look for reasons to be unhappy, or be mad at each other, or never know when enough is enough. It’s always baffled me a bit. But you also surprise me too. I hope you can change, like you’ve all been talking about all year long. You’ve set yourselves up. Now you need to follow through. I hope you can, all in all, keep doing better. If you don’t, I’ll really need that bailout – but no government will be able to help me. It’ll all be over.
tds: Don’t scare me Santa.
Santa: Well, that’s up to you. Now, is there something on your list you wanted to ask me about?
tds: Well… When it gets down to it. Could you help me keep trying to do better?
Santa: As long as you keep asking, Tom, yes I can.
tds: Thanks Santa. By the way, is Rudolf okay? I’m worried. I recently saw a picture with Sarah Palin, a high-powered rifle, and…
Santa: Photoshop Tom. But I still don’t like to talk about it.
tds: Understood. Merry Christmas Santa.
Santa: Merry Christmas Tom.
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Reports recently show “startling evidence” that Republican presidential candidate John McCain is the Antichrist, according to “biblical scholars”.
The analysis was conducted by the True Bible Society and will be published next month in the End Times Journal. McCain may be trying to throw us off his trail, it is said, by subtly implying that Barrack Obama is the Antichrist by calling him “The One”.
My gut reaction to all this is:
“Oh, Dear Christ! Haven’t we been through enough already? You mean to tell me that both candidates for president after George Bush might be the Antichrist?!!?”
Perhaps they’ve got a co-Antichrist thing going on. But I doubt it. Because we all know who the Antichrist is, don’t we?
Dick Cheney 
Besides, even if the position weren’t already filled, do we really think that John McCain is the best they could muster down there in hell to represent evil incarnate?
For evidence I offer this John McCain montage:
On the other hand, a bumbling idiot can really do a lot of damage…. Hmmm….
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