So, you wanna be in show business…

5:10:30:00 – Stage Manger calls and tells me the “orange” mic hasn’t been handed backstage prior to its hand-off to Albert for the Barak Obama bit in the political number. We’ll have to use the backup mic.

5:10:32:12 – I acknowledge and patch in the backup into HHO’s channel 11. WHOO-A!! Am I on top of this or what?

5:10:33:00 – During the start of the Paris Hilton bit I see Val (onstage) finally realize she needs to hand back the orange mic.

5:10:33:45 – Being the “brilliant idiot” I am I think I will circumvent disaster, since HHO is now backstage, by going back into the patch menu on the board and patching the orange mic back into its regular channel.

Stay with me here – as we watch disaster unfold in mere milliseconds 

5:10:40:00 – Moments before Albert’s cue the call light on clear-com comes on. I assume (ass-u-me) that John is just trying to tell me that the orange mic has made it backstage and to Albert as well.  “HA!” I think, “I’m on this puppy!” I ignore the call. (There was no time to answer it anyway before…)

5:10:40:30 – Albert’s entrance. No sound from the orange! What could be wrong? I KNOW HE HAS THE ORANGE MIC!! I go to the patch screen and once again re-patch HO into Ch. 11. The problem must be with the board because I KNOW THAT ALBERT HAS THE ORANGE MIC!!

5:10:40:40 – Continuing to assume (ass-u-me) that a) ALBERT HAS THE GODAM ORANGE *%@#&!! MIC and b) the board is being awfully slow re-patching (remember, it’s a computer too, and can be slow at times… right?) I decide to reset all patches to finally get the orange mic patched.

5:11:01:00 – I do what any freaked-out, muddle-headed soundman would do. I hit “scene one” recall on the board to reset all board functions into a “preset” state. Which it does.

5:11:01:02 – No sound. At least no amplified sound. I seem to remember the tinkling of the piano in the background. Someone in the audience gives off a plaintive “hey!” sounding a bit hurt, as if the soundman has just left and gone home. In fact, there is evidence that the soundman never showed up.

5:11:01:30 - With the blinding speed of a 1980’s vintage Atari computer, my mind realizes the havoc I have just unleashed and I get the band and mic faders back up in what seems like slow motion. This is becoming a roller-coaster ride and I feel like I’m going to throw up.

5:11:02:00 – Tim comes out as John Edwards on cue, his mic works, the band works, sound is back (sans efx – I get the efx returns patched back in after I reset my brain and make sure I am still a part of the show – whole minutes later)

5:12:03:00 – The dialog with Val after the political number is off-mic because at this point only God knows which mic she is holding (and he’s not telling ‘cause he’s rolling on the floor laughing). Actually it was the backup mic she had which, as we know by now, wasn’t patched in because I KNEW THAT ALBERT HAD THE ORANGE MIC!!

So, it’s like this: Val started the snowball by not handing back the orange mic in a timely manner. I took the snowball and made a snowman. A nice, big, ugly snowman.

If I had just stayed with John the Stage Manager’s initial advisement that Albert would be on the backup, we may have made it through with only a bump instead of a train wreck.

For that I take full responsibility. Take a look at that picture up there. Train wrecks hurt.

Now, I’m sure there’s a lesson in here somewhere….

Hmmm…