Chastise Man Says: You’re Richer than You Think You Are – So Cough It Up

That’s right, you heard me.

Go to the Global Rich List and you’ll discover, I’m willing to bet some of my fabulous wealth, that your annual income is closer to Bill Gate’s that it is to, well, most of the rest of the people in the world.

So I know you’re rich and you’ve got some money burning a hole in your pocket that’s bound to come to no good – put that down, you don’t need it anyway – and that’s why I’m here to help alleviate you of the burden of guilt for your mispent wealth.

You’re welcome.

When I realized how stinking rich I am compared to most everyone else in the world you can imagine my surprise. It certainly doesn’t seem like it most of the time, but sometimes you look around and go – “heck yeah”.

Of course, if you’re living in a mud hut, your cable bill is a lot less, so you don’t need all that money. Maybe you’re just too busy surviving to watch much reality TV. But then I doubt if you’re reading this you’ve ever even been inside a mud hut, let alone live in one.

And the only reason I’m not living in a mud hut right now is as much a matter of good genes, two loving parents, and the good fortune to be born in America – which is, despite our huge credit card bill to China, filthy rich – than to any extraordinary effort or “rightness” on my part. (God must just belly-laugh when he sees all these different people trying to kill each other because they are his “chosen ones”) 

So, at the risk of sounding like a bleeding-heart, liberal, heathen (guilty, guilty, and define “heathen”), I took it upon myself to sign up at a site called Kiva.org, of which I discovered through the – oh, gosh, here it comes, the height of it – Clinton Global Initiative. That’s right. Give your money away to a poor person. Bill Clinton sez so.

Don’t be ridiculous. You know it’s the right thing to do, don’t blame me if it takes Bill Clinton to remind you.

I wonder what George Bush is going to do in retirement? Never mind.

Incidentally, I’ve heard that some folks actually believe that Clinton is the anti-Christ. I suppose his current activities provide a pretty good cover now don’t they? Come on, everybody knows who the anti-Christ is. Dick Cheney

But I digress.

A poor person trying to run a business, who probably is just as smart as you, and works harder than you, is every bit as deserving at a chance to succeed and provide for their family as you’ve had since the day you were born.

Or maybe it’s just me. 

But whatever it is that has forced you to allow Chastise Man to go on like this, get over it. 

Go spend some money.